February 12, 2010

Not Quite Ours

Filed under: Adoption, Home Study, Infertility, Newborn, Paperwork, Parentood — adoptation @ 9:48 pm

Among all the elation and contented feelings of sudden/at-long-last parenthood comes the occasional reminder that we are not quite done with the adoption process, and the baby is not quite ours.

The state from which we adopted requires a 6-month finalization period; from now until then, we will be sending updates to the agency and will have a handful of follow-up home study visits. The first of those was today, and while it went perfectly fine, it brought up the single most annoying side of adoption: because we are not able to have a child the way so many other people do, we must prove (in ways those other people don’t have to) that we are fit to be parents.

It normally doesn’t get under my skin, but today it burrowed in a little just because we’ve been parenting the heck out of this kid for almost 3 weeks now. Not to pat myself too hard on the back, but so far my wife and I are a pretty good Mom/Dad team. But the fact is that, technically, my son is a ward of the adoption agency; technically, his name is not the one we’ve given him; technically, I do not have a sufficient relationship with him to get him a Social Security number. And all of that will continue to be true until sometime this summer.

Luckily, there is too much joy radiating off of this kid to get too down on it. But the pile of paperwork still to be done continues to be in sharp focus, even if it’s seen only out of the corner of my eye. He is my son, regardless of what it says on paper. That will have to do until that paper gets amended to say that he is entirely ours.



  1. try not to get too down about post placement…its less about YOU than about some other parents who adopted and DIDN’t do right by their new babies, and parents who went through post adoption depression and needed extra support, and a million other things that COULD happen and HAVE happened somewhere else. Its about your sweet baby being taken care of by you and the agency so no one can say you’re not doing a good job. Just enjoy your baby and the loving attention you likely get from the social worker who comes and snuggles your new bundle every so often πŸ™‚

    Comment by mama2roo — February 13, 2010 @ 1:59 pm

  2. I know, I know…and most of the time it’s not a thing in my head. And our social worker is great, too. I’m just ready to be done with outside forces meddling in my baby-making and/or baby-having!

    Comment by adoptation — February 13, 2010 @ 2:51 pm

  3. We went through the exact same thing. The post placement social worker visits are a big yuck. I wrote a post on that. I just felt so insulted. Logically, I get it, in my heart I felt super judged. Our adoption is finally finalized 9 months after our son’s birth. Now I’m about to apply for a birth certificate, SI number (I’m Canadian) and our monthly baby bonus check! I figure by the time, he’s one, we’ll be to take an out-of-Canada vacation. Hang in there! You are his parents πŸ˜‰

    Comment by harriet — April 25, 2010 @ 3:36 pm

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